Spring Fever

I could smell it as soon as I walked out of my classroom Monday afternoon. All day, I could see the sun shining, but even when it's ten degrees out, the sun looks warm from inside. However, I knew for sure as soon as that fresh, amazing scent wafted past my face in the English hallway. There is nothing like spring peeking around the corner after days of cold and snow. Spring. I could just SMELL it. I walked out to my car, and I couldn't help but smile. Something just thrilled me to the point of utter giddiness. I had my big exam at Penn State that evening, and it was sixty-one beautiful degrees, so I opened my sun roof and rolled down my window. I cranked some worship music and sang my heart out. My stomach was fluttering with joy all the way to State College. I couldn't even tell you why I was so happy, other than that fresh-dirt-smell... the smell of past years, the beginning of track practice, picnics in my front yard, going for walks, hanging out with friends at the Creme Stop, Spring Break in college... 

As I drove, I thought about these past few weeks and how difficult they have been for me emotionally and spiritually. I felt like February would never end, but here it is-- March. I felt like I would never be ok with this job or find joy in it, but here I am. I'm not in love with it yet, but I have...embraced it, I guess you could say. I do what Mom said and take one class at a time. I have learned to really enjoy my students and to rest in that. And that feeling I've had so often of being a bad teacher, of always doing things incorrectly... it's slowly not there anymore. So softly did it leave that I barely even noticed, until one day I realized I was not fretting about it anymore. It's still there, but I can choose to grasp the truth-- I am a good teacher if I do my best and love the kids. 

Thinking through all of this on paper, I realize I left out an important part of why I am joyful this week. At church on Sunday, Glen talked to us about significance. He asked if we were like he used to be-- judging our importance based on the "Christian ladder"... if you're a life group leader, you're on rung 2. If you're a pastor, rung 5. An elder? Rung 3 or 4, depending on what other activities you lead. I believed in that ladder wholeheartedly. Glen challenged us to be insignificant. Me? Insignificant? I couldn't be ok with that, could I? All my life, I chased significance. I wanted to do great things-- to save the world or be famous or be a missionary or...anything, as long as I would be seen as important. 

We all thought we'd do something significant when we were kids. Doing something significant looks different to the world than it does to God. Such simple words. I know this in my head, but my heart finally heard it Sunday. We need to become like little children. For the first time, I realized that I could not be in ministry or leadership right now, because I believed for so long that that would place me on a higher rung on the "ladder" of Christianity. I thought any regular job was so much lower. Teaching... But God wanted me to be where I am. And maybe it was just to get me to recognize the significance of a non-sacred, non-ministerial job... a normal job... I realized that if we are not comfortable with where we've come from or who we are, we will try to elevate ourselves above the people that are "higher." We cannot serve that person or love that person because we are so busy trying to be better than them. I have not been sure of myself. I have felt insignificant and been very discontent with that. There are those in my life that I see as "higher" than me, and for so long, I have tried so hard to climb higher, to prove my significance. But every time, God would not let me. No matter what I did or talked or tried, God kept me where I was, where He wanted me. Insignificant... This is the lesson He's wanted me to learn this entire time I've struggled. I'm finally glimpsing it. Finally. I will never be "better" than anyone. And I don't need to be. I don't need to strive for that or for people's affirmation. I need to be content with where God has me and to believe that it is significant to him. That has to be enough. What I do has significance to God, and it is the most significant thing I could ever do because it's what He wants for me. This is my path. Glen prayed this prayer: "Forgive us for trying to shard to grow up and have it together and for trying to appear spiritual." Help us to embrace the way of insignificance. 

I Will Run

I will run the race set before me

I will seek Your face as the prize of my life

I will run the race set before me

I will seek Your face as the prize of my life

I will run

I will run

I will run 

I will run

All I want is You

All I crave is You

All I want is You

All I crave is You

My soul pants for God and God alone...

-Misty Edwards