Just do the next thing.

My week has (happily) been off to a better start than the previous few. After about a month now of feeling oppressed, depressed, unhappy, and discouraged about my job, the past three days have been such a blessing. What changed, you ask? Read on (though it be lengthy).

At the beginning of this year, I went to my life group on a Thursday night, and I was challenged to seek God for a word for my life for the year. The "word" I literally had in my head was one I had been mulling over before that night, but it was then that I solidified it by speaking it aloud to the group (what a wonderful church family!) That word was "content." Not "content" like what is inside the pages of a book or everything within a specific mailing order or the materials on a certain movie or tv show. Not CONtent. conTENT.

Ok, anyway. To be content. My goal and word for the year. I was actually beginning to feel just that in my job. I was enjoying the day-to-day, the being with students, and everything involved with it. I remember that during one particular day, I was even excited that a new class would be soon arriving. But no sooner was I (finally) settling in somewhat than I was thrown back into a darkness so deep that I felt I'd never find my way out. Have you ever felt this darkness? It's like a black blanket that is over your head. You feel like you're half asleep, so you're not even aware of the blackness, and then, when you finally are aware, it's like you can't get your hands to rip it off. It is so heavy, so oppressive, and so discouraging. This "darkness" as I call it was over my life as a freshman in college-- a very rough time. God set me free from that my sophomore year, but now I felt like I was back in that place again. I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I felt like I couldn't face another day in front of those kids...like I didn't have enough material, like I simply could not keep up this pace for the next however-many-years of my life as as teacher, and like I was just not supposed to be there. I wanted to leave and never look back.

Fortunately, God is so gracious, and this month we not only had four snow days, but we also had two 2-hour delays and our winter break (4-day weekend). I had time to gather my thoughts, to get work done at home, to catch up with grading, and to rest. 

Now I am back in the swing of things. This will be our first 5-day week in a while, and these past three days, I have been doing much better. Why? I realized that I was foolish to think that God could give me this goal of contentment without my expecting satan to try to thwart that. Satan does not want me to be content, because then I could make a difference or draw people to Christ or simply bring joy to a tired heart. Mom has also helped me to realize that looking at the big picture is sometimes not the best way-- I simply cannot look at the next 30 years or the next 5 years or sometimes, I'm finding, even the next full day. "Just do the next thing," she keeps telling me. So I do. And I am finding little bits of joy throughout the day-- in my drive to work, in my quiet 20 minutes before the students come upstairs, in each period with the different faces and personalities, and in my time at home in the evening. I just really cannot look at more than right now at this point in my life. Sure, I plan for the future financially, and we dream our dreams of living in our own home and having kids and enjoying life. But when it comes to the day-to-day, right now I can't look at that in the realm of more than...today... this moment. And that's ok. 

Your grace is sufficient for me.

Your strength is made perfect when I am weak.

All that I cling to I lay at Your feet.

Your grace is sufficient for me. 

(Sunday School song that's been in my head all week)

Haiku blunder

Well, my dears, my husband (the smart man he is) informed me that a haiku must have the following syllable count per line: 

5

7

5

Hmmph. I do think I knew this at one time (even as a teacher, I'm learning...), and so now I have to try to reconfigure my snowcone haiku. Here's my shot at it:

A Blue Razz snow cone

Soaking into the sidewalk 

Filling all the cracks.

Better? 

I asked Marc why some of Basho's poems do not have 5-7-5, and we realized that it's probably because his are translated from Japanese(?) 

And now, because it is a gorgeous day with the sun shining brightly and the snow sparkling like treasure, I am going to go enjoy time with my husband in our cozy room before the work-week begins afresh. 

"Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned." -Mark Twain

Metaphor and Image

This past week, I had the opportunity to go twice with Marc to his poetry class. I even read the materials before I went, and in them, I began to gain an even deeper appreciation of the ideas of metaphor and the image. 

The professor stressed the fact that metaphor is what makes us who we are. We do not live our lives without it. We cannot have any kind of deeper understanding of the world without it. For example, in biology, we cannot grasp the concept of the atom unless we make it into a metaphor-- particle or wave. We know that it is not an actual particle or wave, but it helps to understand its function. In the same way, metaphor does this for us every day: 

"This house is an icebox."

"That girl was a witch."

"His mind is an empty cave."

These are just some elementary examples, but if you pay attention, you will realize that we often employ metaphor to help others understand what we are trying to explain. 

As I was learning more about this concept, we also got into the idea of the haiku-- the image. This is rather different than metaphor. Whereas in a metaphor, you use B to help you understand A, in a haiku, you are simply giving your readers an image. Usually, there is no huge, deeper meaning. 

Basho is one of the most famous haiku poets. What follows are a few of his poems: 

Alongside the roadside,

blossoming wild roses

in my horse's mouth.

On the white poppy, 

a butterfly's torn wing

is a keepsake.

Heat waves shimmering

one or two inches

above the dead grass.

Can you see it?

I never before really looked at the haiku as a thing of beauty, but I realized this past week how intriguing it can be to adequately describe an image in a way that makes you feel like you actually see it. I decided to try my hand at it, because I love descriptive imagery in narrative or poetry. Here is my first try: 

A blue snowcone

Soaking

Into the sidewalk. 

I like the haiku, simply because you, as the reader, can imagine all sorts of scenarios. For example, with the snowcone haiku, you could imagine that perhaps a little child dropped his or her snowcone after waiting all day to get one. You can imagine the intial shock, the mournful look up at Mommy and Daddy, the big tears forming, the little body trembling as they begin to cry, pointing down at their lost treasure. Or you could imagine the end of a summer day-- the carnival is over, the pool is closing, or the vacationers on the boardwalk are heading home. The snowcone is just one of the remaining pieces of the fun that has ended, and the cleaners haven't yet arrived. 

Speaking an image into existence is such a powerful thing, as is writing it. Try it. Haiku or metaphor. They are two different ideas, but they both help us to understand or see the world in a much clearer way. (And they are so much fun to read and write!)

Snow Day!

Well, it's our fourth snow day. Many teachers are complaining that it's cutting into their summer. I don't really mind. I am cozy and warm here in my little space. Marc and I live with my parents in a big room on the end of the house. It's very nice, and we have our own entrance. 

Right now, the room is softly lit with my mom's Christmas star-- a warm orange glow is filling the room at one end, and the cool light of the snowy morning is coming in the large doors at the other end. The picture window is my favorite (and the star is hung right in the middle so that those who pass by can see it), and the snow is steadily falling outside. The door between our space and the house is open, and I can hear my mom reading Scripture to my brother for morning devotions from the other room. Beautiful, precious moment. 

All this snow reminds me of how WARM it was on our wedding day. We got married January 6, and everyone was worried when we told them back in July. "What if it snows?!" "We aren't coming if there are weather issues." "Why would you schedule it then?" Hmmph. God was soo great. It ended up being a record high that day-- 75 degrees. At the hotel the next morning, we woke up (at 2PM...*wink wink*) and found a newspaper outside our door. The headline declared that it was summer in the winter, and there was a large picture of a slightly overweight man sunbathing in shorts, along with members of his family. (And PS... it POURED all night long and all the next day.)

Random wedding tip: If you're looking for a gorgeous, inexpensive way to decorate your reception hall, try this... go into the woods and cut down a large-ish branch, one that looks like a mini-tree. Be sure it's clean of little critters, then drag it inside. You will need something to keep it standing-- we used cement blocks pushed together and covered in white cloth, but you can be creative (do you have a sister, dad, uncle, etc. who loves to be crafty?) After you get your tree to stand (be sure it will stay that way through all the celebrating), grab a ladder and lots of (white!) Christmas lights and start stringing. It makes for a winter wonderland effect, especially inside a gym or banquet hall with hard flooring. (See picture above.) 

Now, I must give credit where credit is due. I had MANY church/family members who helped me with details of the wedding. It would never have been the wedding of my dreams without all of them. Any tips I can give you come from a deeply grateful bride who went through her wedding weekend having the most fun of everyone. 

I will leave you with this note of encouragement. If you know you are to be married, if you know God wants this for your lives, do not be discouraged by nay-sayers and boo-hooers. Many questioned our youth (we were 21 and 20), but we knew we were mature enough. Many questioned the date, but we knew God would make it work. Many questioned, even though we had the blessing of both sets of parents. Again, IF you have sought the Lord and you know your wedding has His favor (and the favor of those who love you), then choose (key word here) to push aside the doubting and wondering, and just ENJOY the process leading up to becoming one with the man or woman you love.

(For Marc)

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments; love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds, 

Or bends with the remover to remove: 

O, no, it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wand'ring bark, 

Whose worth's unknown, although his heights be taken

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-(Best of the best) William Shakespeare

Teaching Can Be Quite Hilarious

Me: "Ok, guys, here are some transition words. If you use any of these words in your papers, your teachers will just weep for joy. These are words like 'therefore,' 'however,' 'nonetheless,' and 'moreover.'"

Student: "Oh, 'moreover'! You mean like... I like Ashley moreover Joey?"


Another example:
I told my English 10-II kids (the highest level I have) that they are some of my best-behaved students all day, but they couldn't believe that I meant it (because some of them get a little wild at times). One boy was taking his time packing up to head to lunch, and he was the last one in the class. He said, "Are you sure all of us are on the top end of your best-behaved? What about Jake?" (Jake tends to get a little loud and obnoxious at times). I told him that yes, even Jake is at the top end compared to some of my other students in the lower levels. And he said, "That's crazy. Do they have Viking backgrounds?" I laughed out loud.

Journaling is always a trip:

Journal Prompt: You are on a desert island. You have 3 items. What are they?

One boy’s answer: I would have my girlfriend and a fishing rod. I would also take the president. Somebody will come looking.


Journal Prompt: What was the best thing you ate over Thanksgiving break?

Student answer: The best thing that I ate was probably the turkey. I ate a lot of it until relatives ate most of it.


Journal Prompt: What are your Thanksgiving plans?

Student answer: Thanksgiving is going to be boring. I will eat. I will talk to people I don’t want to talk to and then I will go hunting and it’ll be fun.


Vocabulary quizzes:
Me: "Next word is 'handiwork'”
Student: “What? Is that the word? I thought it was a sentence or somethin’.”

Wow, already?

It's 4:42PM.

School ended at 3:10. Why am I still here? I tell you, teaching is draining. Some days I think I love it, and then the next day, I wake up despising it. I've never been on such a rollercoaster. Today's our first day back after a four-day weekend. I thought I'd feel refreshed, and I still feel tired.

Sorry...am I complaining?

I talked to our guidance counselor, and I realized something that maybe you need to realize too: Just because you are good at something does not mean that you like it or that you have to do it. Wow. I feel like singing the Hallelujah Chorus with that revelation. I have decided to stick it out for one more year before making any rash decisions, but, my friends, the trial has begun. Maybe guidance counseling really IS my thing. Maybe this is just a piece of the puzzle...still the means to a different end (?) We shall see, shan't we?

Have you ever been here? Do you understand where I'm coming from? I'd love it if you did, because then I'd have a little company here sitting alone at the end of the "I love my job" lunch table, wondering why I don't.

I know God wants me here. I am not finished yet. One day, one moment at a time. As Mom says, "Just do the next thing."


"...but I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep."
(R. Frost)

Imagined Chaos

For the past few months, I've been really stressed. Ever felt like you just can't wake up in the morning? Or like you'd rather just live in a world where every day is Sunday? And you wish every moment could be like Saturday morning right before you wake up (having slept in, of course) with the sun warming the inside of your eyelids and your toes all cozy in the bottom of the sheets?

Yeah. Me too.

Today, though, I realized that I have to do more than sleep. And I also realized something earth-shattering. All this stress and chaos has been rather unnecessary. I was sitting in my grad. class doing an assignment where we had to write down the title of the book of our lives, and "Imagined Chaos" came to mind right away. Strange. What does it mean? I even asked myself. I realized that so much of my stress is imagined. Or rather, it is blown out of proportion to heights that I know I have to be imagining. I work myself up. I see the negative. I somehow miss the peace, the rest, the joy: I am so focused on being frustrated that I can't even relax when I'm relaxing. Teaching will do that to a person in her first year, I suppose. Yeah, I'm a teacher. Tenth grade English. Wooo... even saying it is tiring.

The title of this blog also clues you in to the fact that I'm married. And young. Now, my dears, that part of my life I love. Marc rarely stresses me out. In fact, he tends to do just the opposite. Having only been married a little over a year with a husband still finishing his undergrad degree, I can only give what small bits of wisdom I have gleaned. However, I give those little pearls freely-- from weddings, fights, in-laws, and romance to working full-time, trying not to have babies, being on a budget, and living peacefully. This little outlet of mine will have it all.

It will even have a sprinkling of poetry/literature here and there, because... well, I like it.
So to start you off, for now, here is a beautifully appropriate quote for today by T.S. Eliot:

"Time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time."

Learn it, live it.