Just do the next thing.

My week has (happily) been off to a better start than the previous few. After about a month now of feeling oppressed, depressed, unhappy, and discouraged about my job, the past three days have been such a blessing. What changed, you ask? Read on (though it be lengthy).

At the beginning of this year, I went to my life group on a Thursday night, and I was challenged to seek God for a word for my life for the year. The "word" I literally had in my head was one I had been mulling over before that night, but it was then that I solidified it by speaking it aloud to the group (what a wonderful church family!) That word was "content." Not "content" like what is inside the pages of a book or everything within a specific mailing order or the materials on a certain movie or tv show. Not CONtent. conTENT.

Ok, anyway. To be content. My goal and word for the year. I was actually beginning to feel just that in my job. I was enjoying the day-to-day, the being with students, and everything involved with it. I remember that during one particular day, I was even excited that a new class would be soon arriving. But no sooner was I (finally) settling in somewhat than I was thrown back into a darkness so deep that I felt I'd never find my way out. Have you ever felt this darkness? It's like a black blanket that is over your head. You feel like you're half asleep, so you're not even aware of the blackness, and then, when you finally are aware, it's like you can't get your hands to rip it off. It is so heavy, so oppressive, and so discouraging. This "darkness" as I call it was over my life as a freshman in college-- a very rough time. God set me free from that my sophomore year, but now I felt like I was back in that place again. I didn't want to wake up in the morning. I felt like I couldn't face another day in front of those kids...like I didn't have enough material, like I simply could not keep up this pace for the next however-many-years of my life as as teacher, and like I was just not supposed to be there. I wanted to leave and never look back.

Fortunately, God is so gracious, and this month we not only had four snow days, but we also had two 2-hour delays and our winter break (4-day weekend). I had time to gather my thoughts, to get work done at home, to catch up with grading, and to rest. 

Now I am back in the swing of things. This will be our first 5-day week in a while, and these past three days, I have been doing much better. Why? I realized that I was foolish to think that God could give me this goal of contentment without my expecting satan to try to thwart that. Satan does not want me to be content, because then I could make a difference or draw people to Christ or simply bring joy to a tired heart. Mom has also helped me to realize that looking at the big picture is sometimes not the best way-- I simply cannot look at the next 30 years or the next 5 years or sometimes, I'm finding, even the next full day. "Just do the next thing," she keeps telling me. So I do. And I am finding little bits of joy throughout the day-- in my drive to work, in my quiet 20 minutes before the students come upstairs, in each period with the different faces and personalities, and in my time at home in the evening. I just really cannot look at more than right now at this point in my life. Sure, I plan for the future financially, and we dream our dreams of living in our own home and having kids and enjoying life. But when it comes to the day-to-day, right now I can't look at that in the realm of more than...today... this moment. And that's ok. 

Your grace is sufficient for me.

Your strength is made perfect when I am weak.

All that I cling to I lay at Your feet.

Your grace is sufficient for me. 

(Sunday School song that's been in my head all week)